There have been billions of bits used recently to write about the plight of the young male. And I get it. It has always been tough to be a teenage or young adult human male. The expectations of family and friends and society are daunting. Yet somehow, we have survived as a species, partly by learning from our elders (that would be me).
So here’s a little advice for all the young dudes...
You are deserving of love. But you are not necessarily deserving of the love of any one particular woman. If you’re not the one for her, that doesn’t mean she’s knocking you down – it means you need to seek elsewhere. There is no shame in that.
If you are NOT the one for her, do not shun her attempt to ‘friend zone’ you. She undoubtedly has female friends. If your attempts at courtship were rejected and you took it well, she is likely to set you up with one of them. If you were a jerk or got stalker-y, she will warn them away. The choice is yours, young padawan (choose wisely).
Beyond just opportunities for dating their friends, being “just friends” with women is a wonderful thing. It gives you perspective. It gives you insight. And women are fun as hell, even if you’re not fucking them.
Lots of young men are socialized to NOT be empathic. That is a road to loneliness. Don’t just get in touch with your feelings – get in touch with other peoples’ feelings. Those people that tell you that feelings are for chicks do not have your best interest in mind.
The idea that all women are only interested in the three sixes (six figure income, six-pack abs, six feet tall) is demonstrably silly. Sure, there are a few women that are looking for that. But most want:
- Someone to ask how their day was after work and actually listen to their answer
- Someone to rub their feet when they’ve been wearing heels all day
- Someone that understands that the backs of their knees are erogenous zones
- Someone that makes them laugh
- Someone that will fuck them so hard they forget their name - when that’s what they want or need
If you are worried about her “body count”, then I take back what I said about you deserving love, ‘cause you’re clearly an insecure asshole. If she’s had other lovers and she chose you? That’s a plus, my friend. The fact that she’s had others means she probably knows how to please you and what pleases her. You’re a lucky man.
Women are not video games. There is no cheat code. Anyone that tells you that if you do a left-up-circle-triangle-X combo, she’ll have an orgasm has never actually met a woman, much less pleasured one.
On the other hand, women are equipped with haptic feedback. If you’re making out and what you’re doing feels good to her, her body will let you know. Just listen – with your fingers, with your mouth, with whatever is touching her.
Women are not all the same and they don’t all like the same things. Ask. Don’t expect detailed instructions – that gets tedious. But “does this feel good?” and “do you like this?” - as long as it isn’t every five seconds – are good questions to ask. But if you’re paying attention, you shouldn’t have to ask all that frequently.
Women are more than a vagina and the apparently mysterious clitoris. I would suggest that time spent nuzzling their neck, kissing their ears, stroking the small of their back and caressing the backs of their knees will not be wasted.
If you think it's somehow gross to go down on her, you’d better not expect a blowjob. Them’s the rules – nothing I can do about it.
To expand on that, “foreplay” is sex, not just a means to GET to sex. Intercourse is not the be-all and end-all. Being goal-oriented (with orgasm as the goal) is kind of boring.
It’s okay to offer to pay for dinner, etc. You might have been told that women will be offended, but most will either accept or say “no, we can split it” and then you just do that. No harm, no foul.
Sad to say, I think a few grooming tips are in order.
- Wash your ass. Please. Touching your butthole in the shower will not turn you gay - I promise. Unless you already are, in which case – more power to you, may as well admit it and stop reading this.
- Stop dousing yourself in sweet-smelling body spray and get some grown-ass man cologne. Something with some musk, maybe.
- Buy a good sport coat and make sure you have a good-fitting pair of jeans. Your date just spent two hours putting on makeup and selecting that hot lemon-yellow sundress and those heels – if you show up in cargo shorts, a Luke Combs t-shirt and a ballcap worn backwards, you do not deserve that fine woman.
- Invest in some footwear other than Adidas slides and Air Force 1s. Flat-soled dress sneakers are fine (black with white trim work best). And yeah, a pair of Chucks are okay if you’re going to an underground club.
Look, this is all hard. Asking someone out is hard. Meeting someone for the first time is hard. Having sex with someone for the first time is hard. But my dude, it is SO much harder for women. Yeah, you can think that they can just sit back and field offers and that’s easy.
But trying to figure out whether a potential date is going to drug and rape them, or turn into a stalker if things don’t go well, or do their best to ruin their lives if things don’t work out – those issues are not exclusively problems for women but oh my god they mostly are. You really need to understand that. In your heart and in your gut.
Feel free to add your own advice in the comments!
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